Swag

I got an A on a Sci Fi quiz this week! When I looked down at my grade, I started doing a sauntering kind of victory dance down the long hallway in Mendenhall: head-banging, shaking my shoulders, and muttering "I know my stuff!" Sure I may have looked slightly insane, but I think I earned it.

Veganing, the Next Generation

I've been feeling really gross for almost a week now. (Physically, that is. We aren't going to continue with the loss of confidence thing from the previous post.) My brain is fuzzy and I can't focus, my mouth feels like an old sock, and I--I--
I've lost interest in food.

I know, it's shocking.

Today in Sci Fi my professor mentioned listening to your gut and being aware of what you're eating and how you're feeling, and I had an epiphany.

I'm going vegan for a few days. Just until my body clears itself up and gets organized. I can't afford to have fuzzy brain during finals, and even one meal without cheese or meat made me feel a little better. I wish I had a blender, because I've been daydreaming about smoothies all day today, but we make do with what we have.

So. Today for lunch I had a big ol' salad. It wasn't vegan because I put hard-boiled eggs in, but I didn't have any meat or cheese, and I think I'm on the road to slightly better.

UPDATE: Yeah I'm not going vegan. But I won't be eating meat for a few days. So... wooo.

Insecure Monday

I mentioned this towards the end of my last post, and I want to discuss it now. I'm trying to find my place at Smith and figure out who I am and what I'm good for and all that jazz, but while I definitely feel like a Smithie, I don't feel like a dance major. Technically I'm still undeclared, but come on now. I love my classes and my professors, and I want to take all the dance classes ever, but something isn't right. 

As for the ESS minor, forget about that. I belong in that department about as much as I belong on the athletics fields. When I tell people that I'm an ESS minor, I feel like I'm lying to them. 

And here's why. 

I have this idea that each department has a particular type of person that is best suited for that particular area of study. I realize that I'm stereotyping, but writing out this post is just intended for me to organize my thoughts. If I offend anyone, I apologize. 

To resume. The dance department, interesting and wonderful though the classes may be, is full of people who think things about dance that really don't resonate with me. I'm sure I could steer myself towards more conscientious behavior while in class, but I am taking Musical Theater Dance. It's sometimes hard to ponder the head-tail connection while I'm pretending to be a showgirl. God knows that's hard enough for me. 

I keep thinking that I'm trying to be at least four different people at different points throughout my day. In Comp and Sci Fi, I'm trying to be analytical and deep about not only dance but movement. In Kinesiology, I'm trying not to make an ass of myself. (At this point that's really the best I can strive for.) In Jazz, I'm just really uncomfortable with awkward movements that I don't feel feminine enough to execute properly. In French class, I feel like I'm missing something, but more often, a lot of things; not the right style, attitude, not talkative enough, not confident enough, not understanding enough of what my professor is saying. 

This is especially weird because I think of myself as a relatively self-assured person. My classes have just been making me hella insecure about life lately, and I'd like to know what gives. 

Why I will never be an athlete

I told Caroline that I wouldn't join crew because it's a cult, but that's only one relatively insignificant reason. Clearly I don't have a big problem with cults: I'm a dance major.

Here's the real reason. I don't mind working out, and I actually kind of enjoy it if I'm not too distracted, but my workouts have to be on my own terms (because I am a baby). If someone forces me into doing something difficult and I'm not 100% on board, within minutes I'll start contemplating murder.

Take the time I went to spinning with my two sisters. Caroline was very into spinning and talked me into joining her. Figuring I was out of shape and needed to get ready for dance in the spring semester, I agreed. My thoughts:

AT FIRST:

"This isn't too bad. I can do this."

TEN MINUTES LATER:

"The Allman Brothers? Who in their right mind listens to jam bands while working out? Or, you know, ever?"

FIVE MINUTES AFTER THAT:

"Dear God this is hard. I just want to stop, but I can't, or Caroline would judge me!"

TWENTY MINUTES IN:

"I AM GOING TO MURDER EVERYONE. THE ALLMAN BROTHERS, THIS SPINNING INSTRUCTOR, AND ESPECIALLY CAROLINE!!!!"

Sorry, Caroline.

That was pretty much how it went down in Kinesiology today. It was another day with exercises that are hard for me to do in a neutral way, like jump and land on one foot. After hearing that instruction, I did a saute and landed with my right foot in coupe. My partner didn't say anything for awhile, then she said, "I think you're missing the point of this exercise."

NO! I was doing the exercise properly, because life is better in turnout. You can balance better, jump higher, and lift your leg higher, too. I do not understand why people refuse to make their lives exponentially easier. If you did all exercises in turnout, THEY WOULD ALL BE EASIER!

Ahem.

I've been mulling over Kinesiology and the Dance Department and my place at Smith for a while now, but that's a story for a later date. I just wanted to share that I am not an athletic person, and I have just realized that I never will be. If you were entertaining the possibility of me starting a pole-vaulting career, now's the time to give up that hope.

Gotta Have You

That was the song of my autumn.

I usually take any opportunity to look back and consider how far I've come over the past few weeks/months/years, but I'm trying to do that less. In the words of my brilliant friend Emily, "You can't live your whole life looking backwards, or you'll fall over and trip."

Of course she's right; she almost always is. (It's not a good idea to stay up till 3 a.m. watching Korean dramas, but aside from that her impulses are usually spot on.) I don't have to remind myself to keep moving forward very often, but there are some songs that just describe certain periods of my life so well that it's occasionally hard to resist.

Friday afternoons

In the spirit of Lesson #13 that I have learned at Smith, today I'd like to share with you some of my favorite teas. If you bribe me with these teas I'd be willing to do almost anything for you. And if you were to give me a sardine, of course, there wouldn't be anything you couldn't obtain from me.

1. Lemon Ginger tea. Brand: Stash. This is the best tea in the world for sickness. It feels like a magical brew that burns a little if you drink it too fast. You can feel the wellness pouring down your throat.
2. Jasmine Green blend. I forgot the brand, which is a pity, because this tea is beautiful. The jasmine smells lovely, and the green tea gives it a really smooth taste. Jasmine tea reminds me of my HR. The two are just linked in my mind. Two great things that are often found together.
3. Pomegranate Raspberry with Green tea blend. Brand: Stash. This is the first fruity tea I ever bought for myself, and it was a good choice. It's fruity, but not overpoweringly so, and it's not so delicate that you can't taste the flavor. This tea is also an appealing red color and dyes the teabag. The only downside to this tea is that the teabags can only be used once. The second cup will smell like fruit but taste like water.
4. "Awake" tea: mint tea with tarragon. Brand: Tazo. This is nice tea for the morning, especially if you start the morning feeling queasy. The mint settles out your stomach and starts you on a fresh note, but the tarragon keeps it from being overpowering. I drank this a lot at Unirondack. Contrary to the impression I seem to be creating, I was not pregnant at the time.
5. White tea with chrysanthemum and raspberry. Brand: Bigelow. The best for last. This tea is exquisite: the flavors are balanced, it's not sweet, just flavorful, and it's light and clear. A cup of this tea leaves me refreshed and prepared to take on the world. As if that weren't enough, it makes killer iced tea. I'm going to drink a cup of it now!

Sorry

I apologize too much. I think this is a side effect of living so close to the Canadian border or possibly just being female, because I apologize for things that are in no way my fault. I apologize when people tell me they're not feeling well. That doesn't make any sense! I didn't poison them, so why should I be apologizing? Precision of language is a virtue.

But when I try to focus on my apologies and stop them, they just flood out of me even more often. What am I supposed to do?