Waterworks

What with stress and hormones, I had a rough day today and kept crying at the drop of a hat. This is a seriously annoying habit of mine that dates back to my birth; I cry so often that when I was little, my teachers would send me home with notes that said, "No tears today!" because those were pretty momentous occasions. It was especially frustrating because it always looked like I was trying to get attention, but I really was as sensitive as an orchid petal and virtually anything made me burst into tears. Now as an adult-in-training, I know just how inappropriate it is to frequently cry, but I can't control it any better than I could as a kid; the difference being that an adult crying looks manipulative rather than simply attention-seeking. I'm honestly not trying for some kind of effect here! Today I left Biology and after trying to call both of my sisters, I sat on Chapin lawn and cried with my face in my hands because I'm sure I'm going to fail Bio, won't get into graduate school due to mediocre grades, and never become a physical therapist. I thought about how my dream was going to die and it's not like a B.A. in dance makes me qualified for anything! Luckily, this was late afternoon/early evening, so there weren't many people around and I could have a cry in peace, but the worst part about hormonal stress tears is that you feel just as bad afterwards as you did before your crying jag.

I don't want to alarm anybody here; I really am okay and my problems are not nearly as serious as I'm making them sound. Even the part about a degree in dance isn't true; there are tons of (not particularly well-paying) jobs I could get with my future degree. Today everything felt horrible and I was depressed all day and cried in front of my professor AGAIN so now he probably thinks I have some sort of chemical imbalance, but I can fix it. Things will be okay, I will make it work, and if all else fails I can always become a Rolfer or a masseuse. I mostly just wrote this post to put this anecdote in perspective:

Today was a terrible day, but as I was taking a shower I noticed how shapely my calves have become. It's a testament to my incredible vanity that I actually thought, Mediocrity won't be so bad if my legs look hot. 

Ailing

Hello lovely world! I have had a very long week, despite having the day off today. (Hooray Rally Day!) On Monday I started to feel sort of terrible, and by Tuesday, lo and behold! I had the flu. My friends (but especially Alice) are wonderful and beautiful and took such good care of me, checking in, bringing me food, and just being super nice in general. The fever's gone but I'm still feeling pretty rotten. My friends are all out getting pizza right now, but I'm not sure I could get downtown without collapsing, so I politely declined and am going to bed early. Today in rehearsal, I thought I was feeling better than I really was, so when we learned a dance I did it full-out and promptly felt worse.

Speaking of rehearsal, they're going well! I still can't believe how nice everyone is. Thursdays before rehearsals we have dinner together in Northrop, which is a small, less-frequented dining hall (technically just for residents of the house, but since the cast has several I guess it's chill?), and today was the first one. There were two other ladies there, and they were extremely nice. I quickly got over feeling intimidated and had a great time. Even better, I'm really having fun with the character. Being in Leaf Coneybear's head is awesome: he thinks everything's funny and has his own little world to play around in, even though he knows everything isn't really perfect all the time. It's nice to explore.

I had to miss all my classes on Wednesday because I was too exhausted to move, and now I'm anxious about making up everything I missed in Chemistry. I'm going to speak with my professor tomorrow but it feels like I'm dangling right now. In the lecture I understand everything perfectly, but once I sit down to do my problem sets, I have no idea what to do. It feels like I'm doing everything wrong! I really like/need the class, and it's frustrating to be confused all the time. I think I need to give myself more structure.

Smoothing out the wrinkles

Tomorrow is the adjudication for the Bare Bones concert-- for all intents and purposes, a super important audition. I was having mini panic attacks thinking about it, and worrying about it, and worrying that it's Monday evening right now and I forgot to go, and I worked myself up into knots of anxiety when I decided to read my favorite book and take a bath.

I Capture the Castle is a book I keep around just in case I need comfort. Normally when I have a problem I talk to my sisters, but since this isn't a problem that they can help me solve, it makes sense to turn to a book. When I picked it up this weekend I had the happy realization that the character Neil kind of reminds me of my brother-in-law (which is complicated in the context of the plot, but I'm talking about the character alone). I swear I wasn't trying to make that happen, but I'm glad that it did.

Lying in the bath calmed me down significantly, and reading the tail end of the novel completely took my mind off my worries. I consider myself very fortunate that my stress and anxiety is often dispelled by cups of hot tea, guided meditation, or taking a dance class. At the end of such activities I have a fresh perspective and feel at least somewhat revived. It's good to be so easy to please.

Rigid schedule

I am a very Type-A person, and I can prove it! I have a life plan: on my parents' refrigerator, there is a chart that maps every remaining semester of college (and summers) and the classes I need to take if I want to apply to physical therapy programs. Guess what? None of these classes are associated with the dance major! Tra la la. This semester, I have embarked on my life plan by taking Chemistry. Next semester, I'll be taking Chem II and Statistics. This summer, I'll do my PRAXIS at a physical therapy clinic and take Cell Biology. It feels good to have things planned out.

However, life is messy, and things get stuck in the creek sometimes. This week I decided that I had to drop a work shift. Rather, my mother told me that my schedule is insane and I should drop a work shift. Of course, she was right, but I stressed out over it anyway.
To put this in perspective, my Wednesday schedule is as follows:

11:00-12:10--> Chemistry
12:10-12:30--> Eat lunch en route to the Quad
12:30-5:15--> Work
5:30-6:00--> Dinner
6:15--> Take bus to Hampshire
7:00-9:00--> Class screening
9:10--> Bus home
9:30--> Arrive home, start homework

Yes, I have a late start to my day, but it's still crazy and I don't ever have time to eat. This change will be for the best. Now all I have to do is plan my spring schedule!