Thoughts and prayers

I don't believe in saving, but I wish it worked. I wish my friends could lose themselves in God and then they'd magically have no more problems. I wish I could think of something to do that would be helpful that's better than making food, but I can't. I don't know how to help.

PANIC TIME!

Ohnoesohnoesohnoesohnoes Prof. Johnson just emailed me about Kinesiology and said, in essence, "I can't help you. Good luck!" so if I want to get into his class I have to prevent at least three other students from attending the first lesson. And he also told me, "You know, I'm teaching this class again," as a response to my impassioned story about dreaming of studying physiology (God I wish that was a lie but it wasn't. I am that big of a nerd.), so I became distressed.

My response to feeling distressed was, "Oh my goodness I won't have enough credits! Hlorghffflorgghh I MUST REGISTER FOR MORE CLASSES." So I logged on to Bannerweb and registered for Elementary Dance Composition and got on the waiting list for Emergency Care.

That's seven classes, for those of you keeping score at home. And I'm on the waiting list for three of them. Smith, I did not ask you to screw me over. Why are you being so obstinate about this? Why do you insist on complicating my life? Whyyyyyyy?

Dramarama

There is hella house drama going on right now, and hella romantic drama, and I'm glad I'm not really involved. But I will say this. If you're going to complain about people being loud when you're trying to study, first ask yourself the question: Am I being loud, too? Am I being loud all the time? Am I singing and yelling and making the hall smell very very strongly of alcohol? (I don't know what people are drinking but seriously that smell was in the hall for like a week and a half after the fact.)

Noise doesn't bother me that much as a rule, but now I'm getting angry.

Roommate adventures

It's a very helpful memorization tool to read my notes out loud and also to record myself doing so. That's how I managed to accidentally record a super awkward conversation with my roommate just before she left to spend the night at UMass.

Yet another post about food

Julia Child is awesome and I loved her before Julia Child Day, but now I love her even more. Today, for dinner, I had:

Bacon Turkey

Pumpkin ravioli (which was so insanely delicious I had to work very hard not to make yummy sounds while eating it right up)

Swiss green bean casserole

Straight up green beans

Brownies with fudge sauce and sweet cream ice cream

Peppermint tea.

As Elizabeth pointed out, it was very much like a slightly fancier Thanksgiving dinner at school, so we all went around the table and said what we were thankful for. There were candles on the tables and everyone was very contented. It was beautiful. I love my friends, and I love Smith.

They all come back

Today there were "chicken wings" for dinner and I missed Buffalo so much I wanted to cry. Say what you like about Buffalo, but our junk food is boss. I won't try to compete with Alice's "California's so awesome" thing she's got going on her Tumblr (because I don't like my competitive side), but I miss my hometown. Smith feels like home now, but Buffalo puts something in that delicious, delicious Lake Erie water that makes you always want to go back. Even though it sucks.

A year or so ago, I mentioned to my mother that if I ever have children, I'll probably raise them in Buffalo, and I think it's a decent plan. Buffalo isn't great, but God knows it could be much worse. Growing up in B-lo was decent. I learned how to use public transportation like a boss and I'm not wigged out by sketchy neighborhoods like my orientation group leader was. (Seriously that was just embarrassing. If you sign up to work for those in need, you should be prepared for a non-ticky-tacky scene.) And I got hella snow days. Plus, I firmly believe in staying close to one's roots, and Buffalo has the church where my great-grandmother got married. That's pretty cool.

To be clear, I'm not planning to move back. I'm simply accepting the extremely likely possibility that I'll end up back in Buffalo. I want to live in other places, but it's still a great place. Maybe I'll return when I retire, maybe after I graduate, but everyone always goes back.

Like a boss

Hey hey folks, I am still alive and kicking! But not for long, because it's almost time for:

1. the first draft of my final essay for Advertising and Visual Culture (won't be too bad because I got to choose the topic),
2. my final copy of the third essay for Rites of Passage,
3. my final essay for Rites of Passage,
4. the final exam for Rites of Passage (have I mentioned how much I hate this class?),
5. my 15 minute oral presentation for French (which will be about the jazz scene in France. Fairly interesting topic that I got to pick, plus I get to have notecards),
6. another Physiology of Behavior quiz on Friday.

Today I had an unfortunate realization. Every time I say anything in any of my classes, I blush. For example, today, when my Art History professor asked me to talk about my essay topic in class, I was scarlet. (Maybe this was because my topic is about ads for menstrual products in the forties and today. In that case, I must have looked ridiculous. If you write an essay about something, you should be able to have a casual conversation about it without blushing yourself into oblivion.) In French, when my professor reminded me that I had forgotten to skip lines in my assignment, I must have blushed a lot because he looked a little disarmed. That's his expression any time I say anything in that class, which could either be due to surprise that I spoke and am not totally mute or because of my perpetual imitation of un feu rouge.

But I will conquer these obstacles. I will vanquish the fuck out of my demons! Because I can bend the world to my will, and I will avail myself of this power now. I will destroy anything that gets in the way of my success as a human being. (Nobody take this to mean I'm going to kill people. Successful human beings don't commit the murders.)

I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul.

Being a fairly successful human being

I can't believe registration for the spring semester is tomorrow (at 7:30 a.m., but that's not the point). The Smith bubble is a real thing; I feel like I've been here since forever. I have good friends and am currently in the longest relationship I've ever had, but objectively, I haven't been here that long. It's bizarre when you think about the intensity of my life at college. I see the same people every day, and for a while I was actually afraid that they would get tired of me, but it hasn't happened! My classes are going well; I got a B on my French midterm and am not actually going to take it pass/fail, and Rites of Passage will end soon! It'll all be great. I am totally capable of taking on life successfully.

It's a revelation.

My afternoon set to music

OHHHHHHHH I'm gonna lie on my side till my cramps go away

Gonna lie on my side till my cramps go away

I really wanted to attend Otelia Cromwell Day

But I'd better take Midol till my cramps go away!!

A bouncy little ditty composed by a Smithie writhing in agonizing pain.

Pretty persuasion

When your parents are lawyers, you can't just persuade your way into doing something that they don't want you to do. You have to present a case. I learned this at an early age; I still have a notebook in which I had written out a bulleted argument in an attempt to get my parents to let me transfer to Performing Arts for high school. (They still said no, but I'm actually glad. Honors sucked, but at least now I have viable skills.) I thought I had learned my lesson, but today I made the unfortunate mistake of bringing up J-term without a prepared statement.

Here's the thing. I love my family very much, but I don't want to spend a month at home with nobody to talk to (until 7 p.m.) and nothing to do. I burned a lot of bridges before graduating, the people who were in my class with whom I am still friends will all be back at school by then, and all of my friends who are still in high school will be in musical mode the moment January hits. And while I could always take some dance classes, that would sort of defeat the purpose of staying home to see my family. I have no desire to be a third house cat. Besides, there's a class I could take that would count towards the Exercise Studies minor! Three credits! That is not to be sneezed at.

Any other compelling arguments (for or against)?

Healthy living

I found out about the blog Zoe and the Beatles through Caroline, and I really enjoy it. Reading about her struggles is really uplifting, and she makes really good points about life in general. I was reading this post a moment ago, and it resonated with me to the point where I immediately started this post right here. Specifically, her message of avoiding "all-or-nothing mode" was resonant.

I was writing down whatever I ate for about three weeks, and then I stopped, pretty much because I kept forgetting. I had convinced myself that if I kept a strict record of everything going into my body, I would stop eating badly out of guilt. It didn't work. Instead, I just felt gross when I looked at my record and realized that my habits hadn't changed at all. It wasn't great.

The funny thing is, when I finally stopped writing down what I was eating, I started to improve my habits. I'm eating granola for breakfast every day because a)it's the only healthy option for breakfast at Smith (the breakfasts are what's kicking my butt), b) it's delicious, and c) I want to make healthy choices. I'm making the right food decisions now, for the right reasons.

Still need to get a more regular workout schedule, though. Hopefully, next semester, I'll be taking jazz twice a week and getting my regular exercise that way.