Reacting to the Past

(I wish I was taking that class. My first-year seminar isn't the best.)

I got an email from Cypress the other day. It was written in a style very characteristic of Cypress, and made me miss her. I tried to burn as few bridges as possible before leaving New York, but by the end of high school I was losing interest in saying, "We'll stay in touch, right?" I wanted to move on with my life. There were lots of people with whom I wanted--and still do, for that matter--to stay in touch, but when I told them that, I got the impression that they didn't really believe me.

Since reading Cypress' email, I've been thinking a lot about the friends I had in Buffalo and what it was like there. I just got caught up on Kathryn's blog, and several people have been checking in on me lately (thanks to Facebook birthday posts), and I just keep considering friendships in general. I know I value the friendships I had in Buffalo, but the question is, how much? When I go back for Thanksgiving, who will I want to see? Any of the people that graduated with me? My friends who are still in high school?

My sisters took the "Off to college-- goodbye forever!" approach towards many of their casual acquaintances from high school, so I'm really going on my own experiences here. There are certainly some people I'd like to see, but I've always been reluctant to let go of friendships.

And on the other hand, what about my friendships here? I feel like I have a lot more friends in one place than I've ever had before, and I really appreciate all of my friends, in a way that's different from how I appreciated my high school friends. There, it was almost like clinging desperately to a life preserver, finding anyone who wasn't one of the gross popular kids and spending time with them, even if you weren't really close with them. I hate being dependent on people, so often in high school, I'd just be alone because I didn't want to rely on anyone else. Here, I feel I have much more control over who I spend my time with, and I spend my time with them because I actually enjoy the undiluted pleasure of their company. Here, being alone is more a personal decision than an active rejection.

I've heard rumors that some people say, "I'm happy. I have friends. My life is good," and just leave it at that. I'll never be one of those people.